The season is changing - I think. Sometimes in Indiana it changes back and forth in the same week. Last weekend it was in the 70's and this weekend in dropped below freezing!
My life seems to be taking the same kinds of turns. I thought I knew where God was leading me and I was perched on the bow, life jacket and caution thrown to the wind, ready to "jump out of the boat and walk on the water". http://johnortberg.com/store.php
Then life threw a few high waves - like the wreck and the change in income because of it. It also postponed indefinitely putting the house on the market - another key component to my water walking successfully. I left all of these details in God's hands because He is the God who makes all things possible.
Now, though, the whole situation has changed. What I thought I'd be doing, what I thought was my calling, won't be necessary. This is a very good thing for the other people involved and I am truly thrilled for them. For me, I'm just confused and back to saying "now what God?" I am at a point in my life where I feel a strong desire to do something that truly matters. To do something I really love doing and to have flexibility with my time.
While the change in the situation alleviates the need to sell the house soon, I now feel like I'm back in the boat, holding on to my life jacket (the familiar, safe, comfortable, routine) trying to figure out what's next. The drop in income now (as opposed to when I got my feet wet in my new venture) becomes more of an inconvenience than a disaster but, then, where is it that God wants me?
My spirit wants to jump out of the boat, to get my feet wet, to walk on the water, to do something new and important and lasting. My circumstances feel like they're telling me not to even stand in the boat - pushing me to keep my feet dry, sit down, put on my life jacket and watch as the scenery and excitement and opportunity pass by.
So I am waiting. I'm very bad at waiting, by the way, at being patient, at not having a plan.
I am not angry or even sad - just confused, lost at sea so to speak. And the only instruction from God that I hear in my head is "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalms 46:10) I find that first part extremely hard to do. But, I'm going to try. So I'll be going back over my notes and highlighting in the above pictured book and I'll try to be still and listen. And maybe I need to be asking different questions starting with the theme from the last few Sunday's sermons on Nehemiah. Is my vision big enough?